How to get beyond conflict at office

I was in my office reviewing some client reports when one of my team members, Faith, knocked on the door. She looked frustrated.

“Mike, can I talk to you for a minute?” she asked.

“Of course, Faith. What’s on your mind?” I leaned back, sensing this wasn’t just a casual chat.

She sighed. “It’s about Jerry from the development team. We keep running into issues with deadlines, and every time I try to bring it up, he gets defensive. I don’t know how to deal with this anymore.”

I nodded. I’ve seen this scenario play out countless times—two skilled professionals, both working hard, but misaligned expectations leading to conflict.

“I get it,” I said. “Handling difficult conversations isn’t easy, but as a leader, it’s something you have to master. Let me walk you through how to approach this.”

1. Understand the Root Cause of the Conflict
“Before you jump into a discussion with Jerry, take a step back. Why do you think this conflict is happening?” I asked.

“Well,” she hesitated, “I think he doesn’t respect our timelines, and I feel like he dismisses my concerns.”

“That’s possible,” I said, “but let’s dig deeper. Is this a communication gap, a workload issue, or just a personality clash?”

She thought for a moment. “I think it’s a mix of miscommunication and workload pressure.”

“Exactly,” I said. “Understanding the real cause helps you address the issue instead of just reacting emotionally.”

2. Stay Calm and Emotionally Neutral
“When you talk to Jerry, don’t go in feeling frustrated. If you sound aggressive, he’ll get defensive.”

“But what if I’m already annoyed?” she asked.

“Then take a breather before the conversation,” I said. “Walk around, listen to some music, grab a coffee. Your goal is to approach the situation with clarity, not frustration.”

She nodded. “Okay, makes sense.”

3. Use Active Listening Techniques
“Most conflicts escalate because people don’t feel heard,” I said. “When you meet Jerry, don’t just tell him what’s wrong—listen to his side first.”

“But what if he just starts blaming me?” she asked.

“Then paraphrase what he says without getting defensive,” I suggested. “Say something like, ‘I hear that you feel overwhelmed with deadlines. I want to work together on this.’ It lowers the tension and makes him feel understood.”

“Hmm. I never thought about that,” she admitted.

24. Focus on Solutions, Not Blame
“Once you’ve both shared your perspectives, shift the conversation towards solutions,” I continued. “Ask, ‘How can we fix this?’ instead of ‘Why did this happen?’”

“So, instead of saying, ‘You keep missing deadlines,’ I should say…?” she prompted.

“Try, ‘How can we coordinate better so we meet deadlines without extra stress?’”

She jotted that down. “That actually sounds way better.”

5. Maintain Respect and Empathy
“No matter what happens, keep your tone professional. Don’t take things personally, and don’t make it personal.”

“Even if I think he’s wrong?” she asked.

“Especially then,” I smiled. “You can disagree respectfully. Say, ‘I 1see where you’re coming from, but here’s what I’m experiencing.’ That way, it’s a discussion, not an argument.”

“Got it. Keep it neutral, not emotional.”

6. Know When to Compromise and When to Stand Firm
“If it’s a minor issue, be flexible. If it’s something that impacts the company, stand your ground,” I advised.

“So if he says he can’t meet a deadline, do I let it slide?”

“Not necessarily,” I said. “Ask what he can commit to. If it’s reasonable, adjust. If it’s a hard deadline, be clear about why it can’t change.”

She nodded. “So I’m balancing understanding with accountability.”

“Exactly!”

7. Follow Up After the Conversation
“One last thing,” I said. “After your conversation, follow up. A simple message like, ‘Thanks for the chat. Looking forward to working together on this,’ goes a long way.”

“So he knows I’m not holding a grudge?” she asked.

“Exactly. It also reinforces that you both agreed to something.”

Final Thoughts
Faith took a deep breath. “Okay, I think I can do this.”

“You’ve got this,” I said. “Leadership isn’t about avoiding conflict—it’s about handling it well. Approach it calmly, listen first, focus on solutions, and follow up. That’s what great leaders do.”

Two days later, Faith walked into my office with a grin. “Guess what? I talked to Jerry, and it actually went well! We agreed on a better way to track deadlines.”

“That’s leadership,” I said, smiling.